Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
