All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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