just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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