a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
