I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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