We won't sleep together?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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