Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
