turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
