Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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