So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize