if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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