so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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