I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
