I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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