if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
