I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
