I puked a lego.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
