she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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