the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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