He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize