Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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