You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
