I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
