HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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