I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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