He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
