I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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