textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
