I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
