Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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