I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
