i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
