Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
