Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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