don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
