why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
