Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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