I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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