My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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