The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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