DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
