if i can run in heels then i can drive
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
