my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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