Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
