I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
