if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
