I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
