Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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