I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
