she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
