Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
