My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
