dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
