is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize