I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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