The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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