This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
