I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
